Copyright 2000 -- Robert Baer Jr. Buford's Collie Squadron -- "Rerun Rovers -- Part 3" DISCLAIMER Road Rovers characters, names, situations and the Road Rovers universe is the property of Warner Bros. 'Batman' characters, names, situations and the 'Batman' universe is the property of Warner Bros. Dukes of Hazzard characters, names, situation and the 'Dukes of Hazzard' universe are the property of Warner Brothers and Lorimar Productions. 'Family Feud' is the property of Mark Goodson/Bill Toddman productions. I, nor this script/story are connected with Warner Bros., Lorimar Productions or Goodman/Toddman Productions in any way, shape or form. This document may not be publicized or reproduced in any way, shape or form. It must remain fully intact and may not be altered in anyway. It is strictly used for not-for-profit entertainment purposes only, and is not intended to infringe on any Copyrights. This story is written by Robert Baer Jr and the characters Ben Maddog, Roger Maddog, Princess, Amos Doggie, Hannah, Gila Monster and all of the characters of the Lost Pack are all Robert Baer Jr's creations, copyright 1997-1998. DJ is a creation of Jake Williams. Convoy is a creation of Matt Daily, Mystic McLab and Misty Maddog are creations of Bart Walls, Cobber is a creation of Mike Browner. Buford's Collie Squadron -- "Rerun Rovers -- Part 3" The scene is a television studio in Hollywood. Mystic McLab is forcing five Road Rovers (Hunter, Colleen, Blitz, Exile and Shag) to take on five members of the Lost Pack (King, Lady, Dreadnaught, Monica and Rico) on the old TV Game Show Family Feud. Surrounded by a force field dome and with Mystic watching from the front row of the audience, the Rovers have little choice but to 'play along.' A split second before the game is about to start, Mystic 'freezes' the audience and host Richard Dawson long enough to give both 'teams' instructions. MYSTIC (floating over Hunter): Remember, Huntie-Wuntie, you guys are playing for your lives! Win, and I'll let you go free! Lose, and ... HUNTER (growls): We get the point, Mystic! BLITZ (smiles): She's such a BABE!! EXILE (confused): You mean Colleen? BLITZ (smiles): No... Mystic! OH BABY BABY!! COLLEEN (shakes head): He's off his bloomin' rocker! MYSTIC (laughs): Are all doberman this crazy over females? EXILE (points): Blitz is just CRAZY! BLITZ (turns): HEY!! MYSTIC (smiles): Oh, and one more thing, I cast a spell on Shag so he can talk normally on this show. SHAG (shocked): Really? MYSTIC (nods): Really! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to chat with your opponents! As she floats over to the Lost Pack members, Dreadnaught begins to howl and stomp his foot! DREADNAUGHT (excited): Oh WOW!!! She's the girl of my dreams! LADY (angry): HEY, what about us? DREADNAUGHT (laughs): Vell, you're too big and Monica is too nasty! Lady punches Dreadnaught in the face while Monica gives him a 'rabbit' punch in the stomache MYSTIC (laughing): Love hurts, doesn't it, Dready! (turns to King): Remember the deal! KING (nods): Right! For winning, we all get bags of gold AND the Road Rovers! RICO (nods): Si! Then we can torture them! I'm gonna love this! MYSTIC (sternly): Not so fast, Chalupa kid! You gotta win this game first! KING (shakes head): But this is a game that requires ... well..... MYSTIC (interrupts): Brains, right? Face it, you Lost Packers aren't exactly high on the intelliegence scale. Don't worry, some of these questions will be SO easy that even YOU can answer them! DREADNAUGHT (dreamy): Anything you say, gourgeous! MYSTIC (shakes head): Save it for someone who cares, creep! Instantly, Mystic vanishes and the announcer is now heard over the PA system. ANNOUNCER (PA system): It's time for the Family Feud! Introducing the Lost Family! King, Lady, Dreadnaught, Monica and Rico, ready for action! And..the Rover Family! Hunter, Colleen, Exile, Blitz and Shag, on your mark! Let's start the Family Feud! And now, the host of Family Feud, Richard Dawson! Loud applause from the crowd. RICHARD (smiles): Hello and welcome to the show! Let's get right to it by introducing the members of the Lost Family! Richard walks over and shakes hands with King. HUNTER (whispers to Colleen): I remember this guy, he always shakes hands with the guys and kisses all the ladies COLLEEN (shocked): Me? Kiss a human on the lips? EWWWWW GROSS! RICHARD (reads index card): So King, this is your wife Lady, your son Dreadnaught, your daughter Monica and your son Rico! Welcome to the show! LADY (mumbles, points): Me? The mother of these clods? Get real! MSYTIC (as a voice in Lady's head): Play along, or no gold! RICHARD (confused): What was that, Lady? LADY (clears throat): Er.. I mean I'm proud of my darling children! Richard kisses Lady on the lips, then moves down to shake Dreadnaught's hand but he's too busy studying Monica to notice. Richard passes him pass and kisses Monica on the lips. MONICA (evil grin): If you're going to do this, do it right! She throws her arms around him and gives him a long, long kiss. When she releases him, Richard almost falls over, he staggers over to shake Rico's hand. MYSTIC (as a voice in Monica's head): Do that one more time, and I'll force you to kiss Dreadnaught! MONICA (outloud): NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!! Richard and the audience stare at Monica, she politely smiles and looks the other way. Now Richard is shaking hands with Hunter. RICHARD (smiles): So, Hunter, this is your family! Your wife Colleen, your brother Exile, your brother Blitz and your uncle Shag! COLLEEN (shocked): Brothers? (under her breath): Oh brother! Richard moves over and kisses Colleen on the lips, she politely turns her head as he moves down to shake Exile's hand. COLLEEN (facing away from the audience): I just kissed a human on the lips! I think I'm gonna hurl! MYSTIC (as a voice in Colleen's head): Watch it, collie, or I'll make him kiss you again! Richard moves down and shakes hands with Blitz. BLITZ (smiles): Am I on TV? (waves): Hi MOMMA!! It's me, Blitz! HI PAPA!! (turns to Richard): You know, I am very talented! I have super teeth, super muscles, and I can sing too! Listen! RICHARD (shakes head): This is only a thirty minute show! The Gong Show is just down the hall, you can audition for them later! As the audience roars with laughter, Blitz gets furious. BLITZ (growls): Don't laugh a me, or I'll bite your tooschie! MYSTIC (as a voice in Blitz's head): Stop the tooschie talk, dogbreath, or I'll strike you with a bolt of lightning! Blitz suddenly gets scared and hides behind the podium. Richard just laughs and walks down to shake Shag's hand. RICHARD (smiles): So, Shag, tell me what you do for a living. SHAG (smiles): I cook, I raid the refrigerator at night, and I drink water from the toilet! The audience roars with laughter RICHARD (laughs): What a sense of humor! I'm the comedian on this show, kid! (turns to the audience): Ok, let's start the Feud! Richard returns to the center podium, Hunter and King face off for the first question. RICHARD (reading from a card): We asked 100 people, the top six answers are on the board to this question. Name an activity dogs commonly do! Hunter and King reach for the buzzer, King rings in first. KING (proudly): Try to take over the world! The audience roars with laughter. RICHARD (laughing hard): You got to be kidding! KING (grabs Richard by the shirt): LOOK HERE, LITTLE MAN!! MYSTIC (as a voice in King's head): Put him down and shut up or the deal's OFF! King puts Richard down and smiles. RICHARD (straightens his tie): Obvious you don't have a sense of humor! (points to the answer board): Let's see if it's up there... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! *** Buzzer sounds **** RICHARD (smiles): Sorry, King, that answer didn't make the survey.. Hunter, can you tell me ... HUNTER (proudly): CHEW ON TENNIS BALLS!!! Audience laughs. RICHARD (points to the board): CHEWS ON TENNIS BALLS! *** DING *** The board shows 'CHEWING THINGS ' as the sixth most popular answer with four votes. RICHARD (smiles); Ok, will your team choose to pass or play? HUNTER (smiles): We'll play! Richard Dawson walks over to each of the Rovers one by one and asks them the same question. COLLEEN (smiles): Chase cats? RICHARD (points): Is it up there? *** DING DING DING **** It is the number one answer with 34 votes EXILE (smiles): Bury bones? RICHARD (points): He says, burying bones! *** DING *** The board shows it's the number two answer with 32 votes BLITZ (grins): Bite tooschies!!! RICHARD (looks at him funny): You seem to have a fixation on the derrier! Audience laughs. RICHARD (shouting): BITE TOOSCHIES!! *** DING *** The board shows "BITE" as the number three answer with 17 votes SHAG (smiles): Make a midnight snack! Audience laughs. RICHARD (smiles): Of course, the old midnight snack trick, is it there? *** BUZZER *** RICHARD (walks back up to Hunter): Not up there, that's your first strike, two more and the Lost family gets a chance to steal. Back to you, Hunter, name an activity that dogs like to do! HUNTER (shouts): Play FETCH! RICHARD (nods): Sounds like a winner! PLAY FETCH!!! *** DING **** the board shows 'PLAY' as the number five answer with 6 votes RICHARD (smiles): Ok, Colleen, if you give me the correct answer, you get all the points if not, it's your second strike.. COLLEEN (happy): Tear out the garbage! RICHARD (smiles): If it's up there, you get it all, TEAR OUT THE GARBAGE! *** DING **** the board shows 'GARBAGE/TRASH CANS' as the number four answer with 7 votes. RICHARD (smiles): OK, the Rover family gets the 100 points, the Lost family has nothing, let's play the next round! The game board changes, Colleen and Lady are at the front podium with Richard for the face off. RICHARD (reading from card): We asked 100 people, the top six answers are on the board to this question... MYSTIC (from the audience): I better make this question extra easy so those idiot Lost Packers can get back into the game! Mystic waves her hand and the card Richard is holding is now yellow instead of white. RICHARD (reads it): Name a vowel in the alphabet! Colleen and Lady hit their buzzers but Lady is first, but she is clueless. RICHARD: Hurry Lady, three seconds... LADY (scratches head)... Oh..... RICHARD (points): Is it up there? O! *** DING DING DING **** Number one answer with 20 votes RICHARD (smiles): Pass or play, Lady? LADY (bewlidered): I guess we'll play! As Richard is walking over towards the Lost Family's podium, Dreadnaught is flirting with Monica. He whispers something into her ear as Richard stands before him. RICHARD (smiles); Ok, Dreadnaught, name a vowel in the alphabet! A furious Monica kicks Dreadnaught between the legs, he moans as he sink behind the podium DREADNAUGHT (shocked): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! RICHARD (does a double take): He says that with such emotion! E! *** DING *** Number two answer with 18 points As Richard asks Monica the question, Dreadnaught reaches up and tugs on her pantleg. MONICA (angry): AY! Let go of me, pervert! RICHARD (nods): We have to take your first answer... A! *** DING *** Number 3 answer with 17 votes When Richard asks Rico, he is watching Monica and Dreadnaught as is totally frustrated. RICO (shakes head): Aye Yi Yi.... RICHARD (smiles): Colorful way to say it! I! *** DING **** Number 5 answer with 15 votes As Richard walks back over to King, Lady whispers something in his ear. LADY (whispering): Better get this one right, doofus! As Richard asks the question, King points his finger at Lady and yells KING (furious): WHY YOU LITTLE..... RICHARD (nods): We have to take your first answer... Y! *** DING *** Number 6 answer with 13 votes RICHARD (smiles): Remember, Y is a vowel when it's on the end of a word, don't ya know! Lady now looks at Dreadnaught double over on the floor, Monica trying to get her pantleg free and Rico just shaking his head. As Richard asks the question, Lady blows her top. LADY (furious): YOU TWO GROW UP!! RICHARD (nods): Ok, Lady, if U is up there, you get it all! U! **** DING **** Number 4 answer with 15 votes RICHARD (smiles): Lost Family, you swept the board! Now the score is Rover Family, 100 points, Lost Family, 98 points. OK! Let's start the next round! The game board changes, Exile walks out to meet Dreadnaught at the front podium, but he's barely able to walk so King and Lady carry him up to it. RICHARD (looking at card): In this round, all answers are double points. We asked 100 kids, the top three answers are on the board to this question: Name a flavor of milkshake! Exile hits his buzzer, Dreadnaught is still in too much pain to move. EXILE (shouts): Chocolate! RICHARD (nods): Sounds like a winner! CHOCOLATE!! *** DING DING DING **** Number one answer with 63 votes RICHARD (smiles): Play or pass, Exile? EXILE (nods): DA! WE PLAY!!! Richard now walks up to Blitz. RICHARD (smiles): Name a flavor of milkshake! BLITZ (happily): Peppermint! The audience roars with laughter. HUNTER (shakes head): I saw THAT one coming a mile away! COLLEEN (smiles): Now THERE'S your comedy! RICHARD (giggles): The famous Peppermint milkshake! *** BUZZER *** RICHARD (turns to Shag): That's your first strike, Name a flavor of milkshake! SHAG (scratches head): er.....er..... RICHARD (softly): Three seconds.... *** BUZZER *** RICHARD (as he's walking back towards Hunter): That's you're second strike, one more and the Lost Family gets a chance to steal. Need a flavor of milkshake! HUNTER (laughs): How about I go for something off the wall and say Vanilla! RICHARD (nods): That's gotta be up there... VANILLA!! *** DING **** Number two answer with 30 votes RICHARD (smiles): Ok, Colleen, if you can name the third most popular flavor of milkshake, the Rover Family wins the game, if not, the Lost Family gets a chance to steal... COLLEEN (thinking): well....I.... RICHARD (sternly): Three seconds... COLLEEN (shouts): BANANA!!! HUNTER (shocked): Banana? The audience laughs. MYSTIC (laughing hard): She blew it! Now the Lost Pack will win! RICHARD (mockingly): BA NA NA!!! *** BUZZER **** RICHARD (walking over to the other podium): Ok, Lost Family, I need one answer, if you can give me that third most popular flavor of milkshake, you win the game, if not, the Rover Family will win the game! King hears his 'family' shouting out answers, "Strawberry", "butterscotch', 'rasberry; RICHARD (smiles): Ok King, I need an answer! KING (proudly): I say.... HOT FUDGE!!! The other Lost Pack members look at him in disbelief. RICHARD (shouts): IS HOT FUDGE UP THERE? **** BUZZER ***** The Rover Family's side of the board lights up, indicating that they have won the game. LADY (growls): HOT FUDGE!! You're an idiot, King! RICO (growls): SI! EL STUPIDO!! RICHARD (points): Show us the number three answer! The board reads 'Strawberry' MONICA (growls): I told you Strawberry! LADY (growls): YEAH! KING (growls): Oh SHUT UP!! Suddenly, punches are thrown and all five Lost Packers are in a huge fist fight. Richard Dawson tries to break them up, but Rico punches him in the jaw, knocking him out like a light. Security personnel swarm the stage in an attempt to break up the fight. Mystic freezes everyone except the Road Rovers and herself. MYSTIC (nods): So, you won! I must admit, this is the best gameshow I've ever seen in my life! HUNTER (points at her): Ok, you said you'd let us go if we won! MYSTIC (nods): That I did! You are free to go... into the interdimensional waiting room till I call you again! A black hole opens above the five Rovers, they are instantly 'sucked into' it as it colses behind them. MYSTIC (laughs hard): Ok! This gameshow is over! Let's see how Batman, Robin and Batgirl are doing! Mystic disappears. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- to be continued....